Lessons learned.

Been thinking a lot about 2013 and the challenges and heart ache it brought.  I entered the year so optimistic, and ended up having hopes, faith and dreams smashed. I'm not going to lie, it has been rough. 

A broken heart

A failed non profit

Two knee surgeries 

... that is a lot. 

Looking forward to a new year. A Healthy, happy and joyful new year. 

I have come to realize that I need to change up some things in my life. As the definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over and expecting different results. Right?

I hope the changes will be what I need to regain trust in others and faith in myself to do what is right for me. 

Happy New Year! 

Two weeks down.

Two weeks ago at this time I was in excruciating pain. Now I am in annoying pain, I can't drive, and it's an adventure to do things around the house. BUT I'm on the road to recovery!  

I managed a big presentation at work last week and was thankful the next part isn't due for a few weeks. 

Yes my knee hurts. 

But hey, I have awesome friends and family who help me out. 

Had an awesome birthday gathering, managed to navigate Target Center for John Mayer and Phillip Phillips and managed Turkey Day with my family just fine. 

Got a real workout in today and now resting and watching Homeland, Season 3. It's tough to watch after being in a relationship with a man who is bipolar and choose to come off meds and destroy our relationship. 

It's a sad illness for someone to have. It's one that people struggle with their whole life once diagnosed, and one people need a lot of support with. But when they are embarrassed and won't tell anyone they are bipolar - will they have no support, no one there to help them navigate things. So this show is tough to watch, especially when he told me he could relate to the main characters struggle. 

It's sad, but I still love this show and will always care about him. I can separate the man from the disease. Even if he can't. 

What a week. Surgery #2.

It's been a very bumpy past 7 days. A week ago today I found out they had a donor and I would have surgery Friday. I rallied my troops and prepared for the big surgery. This was the biggest surgery I have ever had. 

A nerve block? Umm Okay. I'm Not sure why but if you say so. 

So when it wears off I will be okay? Maybe need a few narcotics?

The scar will be how long? Can you make it pretty?

No brace needed? Awesome? 

8:30pm Friday night I awoke to major pain. 

Leg in a brace and feeling like a truck hit me. 

A few minutes later, my first experience with a bed pan. Which left me with wet underwear. Awesome. 

A few minutes later they tell me it's time to go home. 

My auntie manages to get me home. For a bit we stand outside as the keys seem lost. But hey I'm feeling no real pain, just tired. 

That night my friend Lisa takes over as caretaker. Getting me up at 12:30, 4:30 and 8:30 for narcotics. I tell her at 4:30 that it hurts a bit more so the nerve block must have wore off. 

The next morning I'm managing around the house in my crutches and Lisa says "I thought you would be out of it and need more help", to which I  reply "it isn't too bad". 

Speed up 3 hours. 

Now... THE NERVE BLOCK WEARS OFF! 

I start hugging the back of the couch and my leg is seizing up in pain. I've NEVER had pain like this. What do we do? The pills we have are doing nothing. 

Lisa calls the hotline. They say "Advil" or "bring her to the ER"... Neither seemed doable as i laid there trying to catch my breath. 

Finally she makes the call, we are going to the ER she calls Eddie for help. As I stand leaning on couch waiting, I start to black out and move myself to the kitchen sink where I throw up. This as Eddie walks in and I yell "don't come in here".... After all, a neighbor husband does not need to see that from anyone but his wife or child. 

We get to the ER and it's packed. I couldn't believe it 

Whilst in triage the nurse tells me I will need to go wait in the waiting room. I explain I will need to lay on the floor out there, as the wheel chair is horribly painful. 

What's the scale of pain? She asks. Me: 10+  And cringe. 

She disappears, coming back with her personal stuff and says she is changing work stations and she found an empty bed where she was going. She took me with her, had me in a gurney and with a doc with in 10 minutes. 

I can't remember her name, but I'm hoping it's on paperwork somewhere so I can thank her. 

After 5 bags of hyrdomorphine they have me a bag of Valium.... And oxygen. As apparently my oxygen levels dropped low and the cocktail I was on can be deadly.

WTF??

We finally were able to be discharged. There was talk of keeping me over night, but I fought them on that. Too scary. 

Lisa took me home. 

Tanya stood at Walgreens for 1.5 hrs waiting in new prescrips and eventually got to my house to take over nurse duties. I have very little memory of that night once the meds were put in me. But I'm sure of one thing, my friends are angels!!

May I never have to have this surgery again. 

But I also don't lose sight that someone died long before they should have for me to get this new knee. 

Are you a donor?

 

October, already?

Time has been flying. 

Someday so can hardly believe it is now Fall and here we are in October! Fall is my favorite time of year, I love the activities and the weather. I'm melencholy  over last years Fall time, but have plenty to look forward to this fall too. 

Cheers to new beginnings!

Only bad part of this Fall? My knee is a disaster. Even my Physical Therapist looked defeated. I head to an MRI and Surgeon appointment Monday. My PT is going to try and attend the appointment with me. I am not sure what will come out of that, but pretty sure surgery will be happening again. I'm frustrated, anxious and sad about that. I'm so over knee pain and swelling. I just want to feel normal and be active again. And I'm so mad I don't have my Vicodin anymore! :)

Ok. I'm done whining. 

Time to kick in my strength training again, I just need to be really careful. My PT has put major limits back on. 

So I'm focusing on the positive:

- the fall colors are starting!

- I am constantly reminded about how amazing my friends are. 

- I am making myself get out more. I've been staying home so much the past 6 months since surgery. Trying to break that habit. 

-my cousin is coming to stay with me a few days, which is always awesome. 

- I have awesome family :)

- my dog. Enough Said. 

Enjoy the journey!

Plot twists

A few weeks ago, my pseudo surgeon, Joe, informed me that the surgery may not have worked.
We will review again in two months.
My PT believes I'm better off than I think and hopes I will improve over the next two months.
This was not what I hoped to hear....at all.

This news came the day after another big change in my life and the plans I had for my future.

I continue to find that just when you think you've got life figured out, it throws a plot twist your way.

In both cases I entered the situation with much optimism and hope.
In both cases my faith and hope were tested.
In the first case, the actions spoke louder than the words... and a change in direction was needed.
In the case of my knee, the pain seems to be speaking louder than the recovery...and I'm guessing a decision will need to be made about a possible second surgery.

Both situations are disappointing and suck, but they are my story
I read this quote last week and its my new mantra:
When something goes wrong in your life, just yell "plot twist" and move on.

So... "PLOT TWIST!"

 I just wish I could read the last page of my book and know everything was going to be okay.

Biking, Buddy, Big Ole and a Brain Tumor

Spent Friday and Saturday in Alexandria hanging with Matt.  The place we stayed was right on the bike trail.

Friday we unpacked and headed to town on our bikes.

Only problem was starting up. I push down on my right foot and that hurt.  But the rest was great. I was so happy to be biking!! We headed to see Big Ole and to visit a local tavern. We peddled back just in time to miss the rain, well the heavy rain :) 

Saturday we biked again. It still felt good. But after no cardio or weight on it for 5 weeks my leg was tired. My knee throbbed Saturday at times as we discovered Alex. I used my crutches as much as possible, but it still hurt. Matt was good about helping me out as much as possible. He is good like that.

I, however, am bad at not walking on it :(

Sunday and Monday I rested my knee. But it is still in pain. I don't know if its normal or not. They did say I would have some pain. But like everything else they haven't been specific about anything. 

In the mean time Sunday I received an email from my friend Donna. Her eye issues turn out to be caused by a brain tumor. WHAT??? So she is headed into brain surgery on June 10th. Puts my stupid knee in perspective quickly!! Please send Donna some good energy to recover fully from her surgery. Silver lining is there is only 2% chance this is cancerous. Whew. But still a major operation. A bunch of us girls took Donna out for lunch Monday and to discuss and strategize this procedure and recovery. We are all blessed to have each other :)

A Brace and a Bike.

I am able to start walking ... with crutches!!

I was fitted for a brace that will support my leg as I walk. The best news is I can bike this weekend!! Matt and I are headed to Alexandria and we were hopeful I could do this. We can now bike around instead of driving :) 

My ortho is very happy with my progress and anticipates me having a good recovery. 

The light at the end if this tunnel is getting brighter!!

5:8 and a longtime friend

Big shout out to Amy Piggee for picking me up and taking me to 5:8 club for lunch. It was nice to get out of my house and catch up with Amy!! Time always flies when we are together, it is amazing to think we have known each other since 4th grade!! 

She also insisted on mowing my yard when she dropped me off - she is THE BEST!! 

I watched as Governor Dayton signed to law to legalize gay marriage. I am thrilled. This is huge! I can't wait to see some of my favorite couples finally be able to be legally united!

It was 98 degrees today. Crazy! Sat out front with Tracy as Lucien played an the dogs panted. It was awesome!

Eddie, Tracy, Lucien and I went to DQ tonight. We sat out on the patio there and enjoyed the amazing weather and yummy DQ :)

Great day!

Historic Vote for MN!

In the words of Bon Jovi; Whoa whoa, I'm Halfway there! 

Hard day at the office. I was physically texted. Lots of moving around from elevator bank to elevator bank. My hands hurt as I forgot my biking gloves. Ugh! Ride with Eddie and Lucien to and from work, my neighbor baby makes me smile, so awesome! 

Historic day?

Listening live to the marriage debate on the House floor and seeing if pass. I am so proud of how the debate was handled and even more proud that it passed. Next up Monday, the Senate vote. I still find it sad this is up for debate. This is about equal rights, not about religion. If people can get married at a drive thru in Vegas, then this is NOT about religion. It's that simple to me. This isn't bad for kids, telling kids some people are okay to love and others are not, that is bad for kids. Anyways. I'm off my soap box, but so happy that soon my friends in loving committed relationships can legally recognize them!

As for my knee. It was pretty swollen today do I'm laying low this weekend. 

I'm half way there, like a horse the barn now. 

It takes a village.

Past the two week mark. Woohoo!
Four weeks to go.
Hopefully three.

Matt came down Thursday night. No snow! We made dinner, played cribbage, he managed garbage duty and also cleaned up after dinner. I almost had a come from behind victory in cribbage, but alas I lost :(

This weekend the girls invaded my life :) Friday Jena brought dinner and we are watched "Gangster Squad". Jena also surprised me with her super duper yummy bars. Good and bad for me all at once!

Saturday, Tanya picked me up and we drove to Chanhassen to pick up our flower boxes. My yard is a disaster but my window boxes look great :)

Swaser, Donna and Jena joined TD and I for food and the Kentucky Derby. Swaser did all the cooking and brought margaritas too. I don't normally like them, but liked the premixed Barrio margaritas she bought. Donna brought a delicious lemon cake. Delicious! Vicki stopped by to bring me a new hair dryer, as yet another appliance went out in my house. I really hope that is the end of things breaking down!

Today, Becky is in town from Seattle so her, T, Julie, Tristen, Larry and I met up for brunch. Becky picked me up so we got some alone and "solve the worlds problems" time :)

This weekend I am reminded about how amazing my girlfriends are! I am truly blessed with great women to call friends!!

Stitches out! Surgery pics.

Yesterday I got my stitches out. Also received these pics below of my surgery. Turns out I have/had 4th degree arthritis in my right knee and a chunk of cartilage they removed that was embedded in my knee. I am working at getting the all clear to be off my crutches for Memorial Day weekend. My guy said my odds are decent. I'm hoping he is right!

We headed to the West End last night for dinner for Amy's birthday. As we walked out we were "standing" around talking when I looked a couple walking towards us and said "those two look like they could be famous", Amy looked up and shot me a look that said "look closer" so I did. It was Christian and Sam Ponder. So yes, they are famous! Our parents have to be proud that they have two girls that can spot the Vikings QB from a distance :)

Mom left this morning... a big shout out to the best neighbor EVER who drive her to the airport when the taxi was 25 minutes late. Seriously. Thank you Eddie!!

I had a store visit today and meeting with a vendor. It meant touring the Knollwood Target, and for the first half of the tour I was on crutches. Ugh. My boss went and got a newly charged electric cart (they were both dead when we arrived) for the second half. I felt short... and I took out a row of men's underwear which caused my male counterparts to be horrified. I found it hilarious 😃

It was a long day navigating Uptown for the second part of the day but I did it! Even in the snow. And rain. And cold weather. Seriously crappy weather... For goodness sakes, It's May Day!!

Quiet evening with my puppy.
Seems odd now to have mom here.
We miss her :(

11/42

11 days down, 31 to go (I think I need one of those paper chains we made in elementary school)

It was a fun weekend with my mom. We went to Psycho Suzies on Saturday for lunch with Miss Morgan, Coco and Tanya.
It was fabulous to be outside and feel the warm sun! We came home and mom hauled all my cushions out of the basement and got my outdoor furniture arranged. It was great to rest outside, Sophie and I both managed a nap in the sun.

It was a lazy evening and we Mom and I ordered pizza for dinner and watched "We Bought a Zoo", super cute movie! Did you know the real zoo is in England? We didn't.

Sunday it was 80 out but we stayed in all day. Mom was on a mission to clean out my closets and dresser drawers in my guest room and bedroom...and that she did. I sat on the bed in each room and said "throw, keep it or recycle it". We got rid of a TON of stuff! It felt great and now I want to keep going... Only mom needs to was home. Sigh. I'm going to need to fly her back again to finish up :)

It's been great having her here. Not just because of all she has done for me (which has been a ton), but because we don't get to just hang out ever. I like it. Makes me sad she doesn't live closer to me.

Today was my 1st day downtown in the office. I ended the day in a lot of pain. It was tough but I'm blessed with awesome coworkers who jumped in to help me out and my neighbors who drive me to and from. I would be lost without my support system and truly appreciate everyone who has helped me out. It seems like I should be past needing help, but I have a ways to go. This is a lesson isn't it? Learning how to be vulnerable and let people help me... and more importantly- ask for help.

Sounds like the weather is about to turn back the temps to cold again- which sucks, so I'm appreciating sleeping with the windows open again tonight!

Post op appointment tomorrow. Hoping for more news on timing of the recovery and how I'm doing so far. Crossing fingers I am ahead of the curve and can drive again soon!!
Good night, sleep tight!

Day 5 a snow day, again

When I booked my surgery I never anticipated two snow storms the first five days. Silver lining: I'm not shoveling. The bad news: I need to ask someone else to. Thank goodness for my awesome neighbor Eddie who will be out there shoveling tonight.

Yesterday was a day with pain. It was probably my worst day, perhaps because I was completely off my pain pills and have been more mobile?

Dad came over and made me lunch. We hung out an watched Jeopardy where he showed off his history knowledge and I didn't. 😳

My Aunt Holly stopped by on her way home from St Kate's (she teaches PT there). She brought sheep skin covers for my crutches. It instantly helped! Yay Aunt Holly!!! She also brought be spinach so I can keep my smoothies going in the mornings.

Matt was suppose to come down last night but the snow once again kept him from making it here. Mostly due to the fact that he had a big meeting at 8am today and couldn't be late. It sucked. I miss him. But it was also a good challenge for Sophie and I to be alone all evening and night. Luckily Sarah, Sophie's awesome dog walker, is tiring her out every day and so Sophie mainly slept. (Side note: we ended up with about 3" Instead of the 6-8" they had predicted - grrr).

Early in the evening, I went to let Sophie outside and set my crutch against the wall. Her crazy tail knocked it down the basement stairs! Ack! I butt scooted down the stairs to get it and then back up. It made me realize I can do what I need to on my own. I'm just exhausted after doing it 😄

Tivo time:
I'm all caught up on The Following. 5 episodes in a row and I didn't have nightmares!

Today is my first day back at work...from home! I am grateful the bullseye is flexible and letting me work from home for most of this recovery, time to start using my brain again.

Lisa Is coming over today and working from my house so she can help me set up my work area in the dining room. She is the best!!

Day 3 & 4

I spent a lot of time alone the past two days. It was an eye opening experience to realize how hard every little thing is when on crutches.

I'm blessed that Dyana came over last night with a boat load of yummy and healthy food. The blessing in being stuck at home is the quality time I get with my nurses :) I have known Dy since junior high. We lost touch and the. Reconnected after our friend Amy's death from cancer a year and a half ago. Silver lining.
Dy and I solved a bunch of the worlds problems and the My friend since 5th grade, Dave, came over. We all had dinner and Dave brought me Twix ice cream (mighty good if you haven't had it!)

After they left I managed bed time alone I have come to realize this journey is mentally messing with me more than physically. My hands hurt from the crutches and it sucks that everything is hard to do. But I also know its 6 weeks and for some people it's a lifetime. So I suck it up.

This afternoon Vicki texted me to see if I needed a Target run (I did) so she stopped by with my vitamins I needed and some fresh strawberries. Yum!

Later, Angie and Tanya came over for our FYFF board meeting at 2. Afterwards Tanya went and picked up Sophie from the kennel and Angie left. Tanya, Sophie and I watched the Eagles documentary and ate Old World Pizza. Tanya also changed the sheets and did some laundry. This is one of the many many reasons she is my bestie.

I have had bouts of feeling alone and sorry for myself. But my friends and family constantly remind me how blessed I am.

4 days down. 38 to go.
Tomorrow I order the gel covers for the crutches :)