Random thoughts of a SINK

After a pretty crappy 2013 (two knee surgeries, laid off from a job and a major break up) I decided that in 2014 I would not plan my life away but instead, take it as it comes. It was eye opening and lessons were learned. I decided to spend less time on people who never call, but who I always planned things with...meaning I was doing all the work and I also decided to say yes to more things instead of doing the asking and planning. A busy calendar doesn't mean a full life.

Sitting back and taking life as it came brought me to places that forced me outside my comfort zone and to spend more time alone and embracing what that means to be 45 (now 46) and single with no kids. Scary shit if you ask me...but also really awesome that this life has allowed me to truly LIVE a life that was given to me. I didn't plan it out this way, but I do appreciate that being a SINK (single income no kids) allows me a lot of freedom, and my life path has brought me down many fun, interesting, challenging and downright "cool" roads. Don't get me wrong, I am still hoping for Mr. Right to come along...especially since I spent many years with Mr Wrongs... but what I realized was I was maybe running from my singlehood by being so busy and this past year I truly embraced it by slowing down.

The phone doesn't ring as often as it did when we were in our 20's and 30's. People are busy. We are all tired and when we get a free night people now chose to stay in, especially if you are part of a couple or have kids. In our 20's we focused our priorities on our social life and friends, but in our mid 30's to early 40's that changes. The priority becomes a persons immediate family (their significant other and their children) and their careers. However for a SINK, the priorities are different. In fact, it is hard to figure out what ours should be. Finding a partner? Focus on a career? Emerce ourselves into volunteer work? Focus on our health? I see my fellow SINKs bounce between these priorities. Never truly settled on one. It isn't that we are not happy, we are, but the world we live in is not made for SINKs in their 40's... so we need to find our path that best suits us and attempt to navigate it as best possible.

Being a SINK also comes with assumptions made by others:

• Relatives stop asking if you are seeing anyone, as they seem to have accepted you as a SINK for life
• Friends assume since you don't have kids, you don't want to be around their kids
• People assume we are career focused because we are successful and haven't married
• Friends assume I can't understand anything about their life because "I am not married or have kids"
• Married friends assume their single friends are living the life of Sex and the City - the early shows, when they were young and going out. 

This is not meant to be a pity party about being a SINK. Don't get me wrong, I love my life. I know better now who I am more than any other time in my life. I have friends from many parts of my life and get to spend time with them ... when we can make it work. I get to be an awesome aunt to my friends and cousins kids. I get to travel anywhere I want. I have a growing appreciation for my parents as they age and for how precious life is for all of us. 

What I do want to get across, is that SINKs have a different struggle we don't see played out on TV, in the movies or in books. When it is, it is always an extreme career-aholic who finds love to save her... I don't know anyone like that. What does happen is we find our tribe of people who accept us for who we are, and we accept them. We embrace that tribe and enjoy this thing we call life. An electric word life that means forever and that's a mighty long time... sorry I digress into PRINCE. But you get the point. Life as a SINK isn't glamorous, but it isn't horrible either. I guess it just is like everyone elses life...only different. I wanted to let you see inside of the not so "normal" life of a SINK from one girls point of view.

Eek! Plot twist!

I learned long ago that you have to go with the flow in life. That while living life there can be sudden plot twists to your story. 

Part of the reason I signed up to do this ride was due to the enthusiasm of a fellow LIVESTRONG leader.  He was driving his RV up, so I should come and hang out for the week, I could sleep in his RV vs a tent. That seemed great... till he had to cancel his plans to drive to Iowa two days ago. 

He felt bad, and as muh as I understood,  I was disappointed and also left hanging. 

It wasn't a matter of if I would still go to RAGBRAI. I was committed: 

- I was fundraising. 

- I had paid a significant chunk of money to ride the charter (non redundable) to and from Iowa. 

- I had LIVESTRONG jump through last minute hoops to get me on the team. 

- I had the time off work. 

- I had a committed dog sitter. 

So I was in. Jut needed to change some logistics and my mental game. 

This experience has fell into my lap and staying in the RV was a big reason why... at first, but now I'm excited to go kill my ass and legs on a bike for 6 days. No really. I am. 

Now it's a goal. 

Now it's a commitment. 

One to myself and others. 

And so I'm staying in my tent for 6 nights. I've never camped more than 2 nights in a row, so this will truly be an adventure. 

The good news:

- I donated money to a fellow Livestrong teammates fundraising for her husband to set up and tear down my tent daily. That is huge! Love him!!

- I found my older smaller tent. Easier to carry and put up. 

- Heather still has her tiny sleeping back and is letting me use it. Easier to pack. 

So, it will all work out logistically, and the rest is up to me. Go and have fun with some amazing people. My charter leader said to me yesterday "if you aren't having fun on RAGBRAI, then you are taking yourself too seriously". 

As I'm adjusting to this plot twist, I am once again reminded that life is unpredictable and just when you think you have things figured out, you don't. You have to write yourself into the story and pay attention to the doors that open vs the doors that close (my 2014 mantra). 

Cheers to an air mattress, tent and bike for a week! (Yep. I'm still scared shitless about this journey, but facing that fear is good. eek!)

KK

Here goes nothing.

Two weeks ago I made a decision to ride RAGBRAI. What is RAGBRAI you ask? 

It's a 6 day ride across Iowa. 

What?!?

I used to say those people were crazy... Now I'm just as crazy. 

My friends through LIVESTRONG invited me to be on the team. 

All the stars seemed to align and so I said "what the hell! I'm in!"

I'm cramming for the ride. Riding as much as I can. Planning logistics and starting my packing list. I tell myself I don't have to ride every mile not every day. But I know me. I will want to. If my body lets me that is. 😳

I'll post as I continue on this journey. 

12 days till Iowa. 

Is this heaven? No, it's Iowa 😊❤️

No children.

Read a blog that triggered this response from me. It's real. It's how I feel and I've never expressed it. But today I am. 

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I always thought I would have children. I don’t. 

I cry every time I watch someone give birth on a TV show or movie. Not tears of joy, but tears of loss. I get depressed on Mothers Day and the holidays, when I sit, like you, and watch moms with their children … and even worse when I attend a baby shower and all the moms talk about how amazing being a mom is… And I have nothing to contribute. Nothing.

I’ve been told that I have lot to be thankful for… that I have “so much” others don’t. But that doesn’t help with the emptiness, the pain, the grief. As it’s a loss of a hope, a dream and a belief I would be a mom.

I am grateful for my life, but seek to fill voids as I enter this new season (thanks heathers mom – I like that phrase).

Part of filling that void (for me) is to spend time with the children in my life via my friends and family, and be sure I am an awesome auntie.

I may end up with Children in my life in another way... But I may not. That ache will probably always be there. And if I had an answer to how to take it away I would tell you. I swear, I would.

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Life is short, don't wait for your dreams to come true. Make them come true. 

Authenticity.

I've spent a large portion of my life trying to make people happy. 

People who didn't accept me for me.

People who are self centered and only have time when they need something.

They judged me. They criticized me. They shamed me. 

I write those as past statements, because I made the choice to walk away from that negative energy and embrace the good parts of my life a while back.

I think having the year from hell changed me. It made my bullshit tolerance go to ZERO. In other words "don't make your problem my problem" and "be kind or leave". 

You see love is not a competition. 

But some people treat it like it is. 

How sad for them to think it is. 

I have been spending time with people who matter. 

Who let me be me. 

Who embrace my imperfections. 

People who say "it's part of your charm", rather than rolling their eyes or shaking their fingers at me while trying to shame me. 

Yesterday I was reunited with four amazing women I haven't spent time with in TOO long. 

They radiate love and goodness. 

They are on their own journeys and they appreciate the experience of it all.

They are KIND. 

They are beautiful inside and out. 

I am blessed. My heart if full. I'm off today to spend time with another amazing woman who has entered my life via work but we knew we were kindered spirits immediately. 

 

So instead of feeling sad about walking away from the toxic relationships that were once around me, I instead feel free and optimistic. Because how lucky am I? I have a lot of sisters from other mothers who love me authentically... and for that I am truly grateful. 

Truly. Truly. Grateful. 

Joy.

I'm laying in bed. It's early. There are no sounds except the furnace fan running and the occasional sigh/snore from my blonde furry friend next to me. 

I'm laying here thinking about the past two weeks and how so much has happened in my life. With all the ebbing and flowing of life, I've stayed happy. Steady. Even keel. 

I've thought about this, and I guess why I've stayed steady (which hasn't always been the case- especially the past year) is that I've stayed true to myself. Yes, it helped that I was validated on a few major things in life... but still 😊... I stayed true and believed in me. 

I have tried to look at the open doors and face fears and open up to new people and opportunities. I've had some really great connecting times with people lately. New friends, old friends, my parental units (all of them at the same dinner table was actually quite awesome), exes, and my cousins ..and those connections have been so genuine and full of love, it fills me with joy. 

I have a lot to digest from the past few weeks. A lot. I do believe that when I started looking at the open doors, instead of the closed ones, I found happiness again... Finally. (I'll admit, I was worried about finding it again -2013 sucked).  

I am grateful I found my joy again. When I look around me, I see a lot of pain and sorrow and anger in others journeys. In fact I saw a woman today driving down the road crying, I felt bad for her ...  we've all been there. So I sent her some good energy, I hope it helped her. 

Perhaps if we all start showing compassion vs judgment and shame, this world would be a bit happier and more joyful. At least that's my motto, even when someone pisses me off. 

Peace. Love. Joy. 

KK

I'm going to Miami.

http://youtu.be/IwBS6QGsH_4

In the words of Will Smith, I'm going to Miami!  I've never been, and I'm super excited!!

My buddy Shawn offered up his place to stay if I got myself on a plane... so after toooooo many days in the house and frozen in the polar vortex (#worstwinterever) - I booked a free ticket and today I leave!

I am blessed to know so many awesome people who are so generous. I'm also glad Shawn is a workout God so I can stay working towards my goals whilst in Miami. (And to think this started due to the cancersucks shirt!)

The beach is 6 blocks from his place and I plan to make it my home away from home the next four days while I defrost. 

Cheers to embracing opportunities that present themselves! Remember my earlier post about paying attention to the doors opening vs the ones closing? 

This is one of them! 😃

Fear.

Fear can be paralyzing. 

"They" say we should face it head on and move through it. I agree, but some days it's easier said than done. 

Change is scary and lord knows I've had a ton of change in the past year. I crave some stability and the answers to "who am I and how did I get here?"

I have been trying to pay attention to the  doors opening in my life vs the doors that have closed. It's scary. That new door brings a lot of what if's and unknowns. But isn't that the point in life? Aren't we suppose to step outside our comfort zone? 

So I am taking that step. I'm scared, but hey, life has shown me the past year that it's unpredictable and nothing goes as you think it will. So why not step out of that place we "know" and "get to know" the new space in front of me. 

Winter's Beauty

The beauty of a snow storm is when you don't have to be out in it. I managed to snow blow for the first time ever today - blew out my driveway and my two neighbors. (Neighbors snow blower). I was happy to give back to the people who have been helping me out since knee surgery in November. I burned 600+ calories shoveling and blowing...and my knee is only a tiny bit sore.

I do LOVE how the trees look after a storm like we had. I hope everyone got to where they needed to today safely. Hunkering down is good in this weather.

Food for Thought

Sometimes we receive gifts and messages when we least expect it.
I received this today, I hope you like it too.
KK


Today's thought from Hazelden is:

Aging is not easy, but what's our alternative?
- Helen Casey

The kind of attitude we developed over our lives determined how we saw every detail of each experience. Even now our attitude holds us hostage. The misunderstanding that many of us have is that we think we can't really change how we see our world. Nothing is further from the truth. We can make a large or small shift in our perceptions instantly. The outcome is that everything about our lives changes from that moment forward. Thus, how we perceive the aging process is controlled by our willingness to look at it again.

Helen has aged gracefully. At 86, she still finds time for making new friends, three bridge clubs a week, daily mass and frequent communication with her children and relatives. She carries a positive, hopeful attitude with her wherever she goes, which inspires others, young and old.

It wouldn't appear that aging has been hard on Helen. But the truth of the matter is that she has suffered many losses. What she has managed to hold onto, though, is her faith in God and her willingness to see every "glass as half full."

How lucky we are that we can "tinker" with our attitude for as long as we're alive, and if we aren't completely happy, we have work to do. As Helen says, there is no alternative to aging, except death. What happens now is up to us.

I am only as old as I decide to feel today.

Life is fucking hard.

I said the words "life is fucking hard" today to a friend going through some heavy stuff. It stemmed from my own feelings lately about life due to my circumstances, but also because I have a number of friends who are being hit with some really tough things in life. It is just how I felt and you know what? It really can be sometimes!

I was watching Downton Abbey This week and this line was said:
"Sometimes I think life is about a series of problems that come our way, and figuring out how to answer them"... "And then we die". I think that this is spot on. I think it's about how we handle life as it comes at us. I'm not going to say it will be easy. IT ISN'T! and I'm not going to say I'm great at this, in fact I've been very down and discouraged about life in general lately. (Laid off while being told I am great at my job, two people I know passing, the polar vortex, my weight, my friends painful circumstances...etc). I hope though, that we can figure out the answers and move through the crappy stuff with love.

I know the funk I am in will pass. I don't like this feeling and so I am working to move through it quickly, yet honor my feelings too. I have watched others fall apart and treat others like crap while dealing with hard things in life (I've been that punching bag for others before - it isn't fun), but I am choosing to try and go through this with love and kindness, not anger and hurt. I may not always be at my best, but I promise to try. I've started this by embracing the silver linings and the blessings that come my way every day, here are a few:

• Paying attention to the positive messages from strangers, they have been coming my way lately. 
• My neighbor child's hugs, kisses and laughter.
• My neighbors. The text insisting I spend Valentine's Day with them was awesome...plus so much more!
• My dog cuddling close. 
• The artwork by a kindred spirit that was sent to me today (picture below). 
• My friend through cancer fighting talking me into a trip to Miami to see him and escape the polar vortex. 
• My Delta miles to get me to Miami. 
• My girls...enough said.
• Having dinner at my childhood friends moms house with her kids. 
• My cousin-sister-friend moving back to MN and bringing her hubby and newborn son. 
• Having a lake home loaned to me to bring all my girlfriends together for laughter and fun. 
• My trainers belief in my ability - it is far beyond what I believe I can do. 
• Managing an hour on my bike trainer 3 months after my second knee surgery. 
• Reconnecting with really amazing women and men I have lost touch with. 
• Dancing all night to JT with my girls. 
• Watching my friends sons play hockey against each other.
• A healthy family.

When I write that list I think, "life is good KK, pull up your boot straps and go get em'!" 

KK

Lessons learned.

Been thinking a lot about 2013 and the challenges and heart ache it brought.  I entered the year so optimistic, and ended up having hopes, faith and dreams smashed. I'm not going to lie, it has been rough. 

A broken heart

A failed non profit

Two knee surgeries 

... that is a lot. 

Looking forward to a new year. A Healthy, happy and joyful new year. 

I have come to realize that I need to change up some things in my life. As the definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over and expecting different results. Right?

I hope the changes will be what I need to regain trust in others and faith in myself to do what is right for me. 

Happy New Year! 

Two weeks down.

Two weeks ago at this time I was in excruciating pain. Now I am in annoying pain, I can't drive, and it's an adventure to do things around the house. BUT I'm on the road to recovery!  

I managed a big presentation at work last week and was thankful the next part isn't due for a few weeks. 

Yes my knee hurts. 

But hey, I have awesome friends and family who help me out. 

Had an awesome birthday gathering, managed to navigate Target Center for John Mayer and Phillip Phillips and managed Turkey Day with my family just fine. 

Got a real workout in today and now resting and watching Homeland, Season 3. It's tough to watch after being in a relationship with a man who is bipolar and choose to come off meds and destroy our relationship. 

It's a sad illness for someone to have. It's one that people struggle with their whole life once diagnosed, and one people need a lot of support with. But when they are embarrassed and won't tell anyone they are bipolar - will they have no support, no one there to help them navigate things. So this show is tough to watch, especially when he told me he could relate to the main characters struggle. 

It's sad, but I still love this show and will always care about him. I can separate the man from the disease. Even if he can't. 

What a week. Surgery #2.

It's been a very bumpy past 7 days. A week ago today I found out they had a donor and I would have surgery Friday. I rallied my troops and prepared for the big surgery. This was the biggest surgery I have ever had. 

A nerve block? Umm Okay. I'm Not sure why but if you say so. 

So when it wears off I will be okay? Maybe need a few narcotics?

The scar will be how long? Can you make it pretty?

No brace needed? Awesome? 

8:30pm Friday night I awoke to major pain. 

Leg in a brace and feeling like a truck hit me. 

A few minutes later, my first experience with a bed pan. Which left me with wet underwear. Awesome. 

A few minutes later they tell me it's time to go home. 

My auntie manages to get me home. For a bit we stand outside as the keys seem lost. But hey I'm feeling no real pain, just tired. 

That night my friend Lisa takes over as caretaker. Getting me up at 12:30, 4:30 and 8:30 for narcotics. I tell her at 4:30 that it hurts a bit more so the nerve block must have wore off. 

The next morning I'm managing around the house in my crutches and Lisa says "I thought you would be out of it and need more help", to which I  reply "it isn't too bad". 

Speed up 3 hours. 

Now... THE NERVE BLOCK WEARS OFF! 

I start hugging the back of the couch and my leg is seizing up in pain. I've NEVER had pain like this. What do we do? The pills we have are doing nothing. 

Lisa calls the hotline. They say "Advil" or "bring her to the ER"... Neither seemed doable as i laid there trying to catch my breath. 

Finally she makes the call, we are going to the ER she calls Eddie for help. As I stand leaning on couch waiting, I start to black out and move myself to the kitchen sink where I throw up. This as Eddie walks in and I yell "don't come in here".... After all, a neighbor husband does not need to see that from anyone but his wife or child. 

We get to the ER and it's packed. I couldn't believe it 

Whilst in triage the nurse tells me I will need to go wait in the waiting room. I explain I will need to lay on the floor out there, as the wheel chair is horribly painful. 

What's the scale of pain? She asks. Me: 10+  And cringe. 

She disappears, coming back with her personal stuff and says she is changing work stations and she found an empty bed where she was going. She took me with her, had me in a gurney and with a doc with in 10 minutes. 

I can't remember her name, but I'm hoping it's on paperwork somewhere so I can thank her. 

After 5 bags of hyrdomorphine they have me a bag of Valium.... And oxygen. As apparently my oxygen levels dropped low and the cocktail I was on can be deadly.

WTF??

We finally were able to be discharged. There was talk of keeping me over night, but I fought them on that. Too scary. 

Lisa took me home. 

Tanya stood at Walgreens for 1.5 hrs waiting in new prescrips and eventually got to my house to take over nurse duties. I have very little memory of that night once the meds were put in me. But I'm sure of one thing, my friends are angels!!

May I never have to have this surgery again. 

But I also don't lose sight that someone died long before they should have for me to get this new knee. 

Are you a donor?

 

October, already?

Time has been flying. 

Someday so can hardly believe it is now Fall and here we are in October! Fall is my favorite time of year, I love the activities and the weather. I'm melencholy  over last years Fall time, but have plenty to look forward to this fall too. 

Cheers to new beginnings!

Only bad part of this Fall? My knee is a disaster. Even my Physical Therapist looked defeated. I head to an MRI and Surgeon appointment Monday. My PT is going to try and attend the appointment with me. I am not sure what will come out of that, but pretty sure surgery will be happening again. I'm frustrated, anxious and sad about that. I'm so over knee pain and swelling. I just want to feel normal and be active again. And I'm so mad I don't have my Vicodin anymore! :)

Ok. I'm done whining. 

Time to kick in my strength training again, I just need to be really careful. My PT has put major limits back on. 

So I'm focusing on the positive:

- the fall colors are starting!

- I am constantly reminded about how amazing my friends are. 

- I am making myself get out more. I've been staying home so much the past 6 months since surgery. Trying to break that habit. 

-my cousin is coming to stay with me a few days, which is always awesome. 

- I have awesome family :)

- my dog. Enough Said. 

Enjoy the journey!

Plot twists

A few weeks ago, my pseudo surgeon, Joe, informed me that the surgery may not have worked.
We will review again in two months.
My PT believes I'm better off than I think and hopes I will improve over the next two months.
This was not what I hoped to hear....at all.

This news came the day after another big change in my life and the plans I had for my future.

I continue to find that just when you think you've got life figured out, it throws a plot twist your way.

In both cases I entered the situation with much optimism and hope.
In both cases my faith and hope were tested.
In the first case, the actions spoke louder than the words... and a change in direction was needed.
In the case of my knee, the pain seems to be speaking louder than the recovery...and I'm guessing a decision will need to be made about a possible second surgery.

Both situations are disappointing and suck, but they are my story
I read this quote last week and its my new mantra:
When something goes wrong in your life, just yell "plot twist" and move on.

So... "PLOT TWIST!"

 I just wish I could read the last page of my book and know everything was going to be okay.

Biking, Buddy, Big Ole and a Brain Tumor

Spent Friday and Saturday in Alexandria hanging with Matt.  The place we stayed was right on the bike trail.

Friday we unpacked and headed to town on our bikes.

Only problem was starting up. I push down on my right foot and that hurt.  But the rest was great. I was so happy to be biking!! We headed to see Big Ole and to visit a local tavern. We peddled back just in time to miss the rain, well the heavy rain :) 

Saturday we biked again. It still felt good. But after no cardio or weight on it for 5 weeks my leg was tired. My knee throbbed Saturday at times as we discovered Alex. I used my crutches as much as possible, but it still hurt. Matt was good about helping me out as much as possible. He is good like that.

I, however, am bad at not walking on it :(

Sunday and Monday I rested my knee. But it is still in pain. I don't know if its normal or not. They did say I would have some pain. But like everything else they haven't been specific about anything. 

In the mean time Sunday I received an email from my friend Donna. Her eye issues turn out to be caused by a brain tumor. WHAT??? So she is headed into brain surgery on June 10th. Puts my stupid knee in perspective quickly!! Please send Donna some good energy to recover fully from her surgery. Silver lining is there is only 2% chance this is cancerous. Whew. But still a major operation. A bunch of us girls took Donna out for lunch Monday and to discuss and strategize this procedure and recovery. We are all blessed to have each other :)

A Brace and a Bike.

I am able to start walking ... with crutches!!

I was fitted for a brace that will support my leg as I walk. The best news is I can bike this weekend!! Matt and I are headed to Alexandria and we were hopeful I could do this. We can now bike around instead of driving :) 

My ortho is very happy with my progress and anticipates me having a good recovery. 

The light at the end if this tunnel is getting brighter!!

5:8 and a longtime friend

Big shout out to Amy Piggee for picking me up and taking me to 5:8 club for lunch. It was nice to get out of my house and catch up with Amy!! Time always flies when we are together, it is amazing to think we have known each other since 4th grade!! 

She also insisted on mowing my yard when she dropped me off - she is THE BEST!! 

I watched as Governor Dayton signed to law to legalize gay marriage. I am thrilled. This is huge! I can't wait to see some of my favorite couples finally be able to be legally united!

It was 98 degrees today. Crazy! Sat out front with Tracy as Lucien played an the dogs panted. It was awesome!

Eddie, Tracy, Lucien and I went to DQ tonight. We sat out on the patio there and enjoyed the amazing weather and yummy DQ :)

Great day!

Historic Vote for MN!

In the words of Bon Jovi; Whoa whoa, I'm Halfway there! 

Hard day at the office. I was physically texted. Lots of moving around from elevator bank to elevator bank. My hands hurt as I forgot my biking gloves. Ugh! Ride with Eddie and Lucien to and from work, my neighbor baby makes me smile, so awesome! 

Historic day?

Listening live to the marriage debate on the House floor and seeing if pass. I am so proud of how the debate was handled and even more proud that it passed. Next up Monday, the Senate vote. I still find it sad this is up for debate. This is about equal rights, not about religion. If people can get married at a drive thru in Vegas, then this is NOT about religion. It's that simple to me. This isn't bad for kids, telling kids some people are okay to love and others are not, that is bad for kids. Anyways. I'm off my soap box, but so happy that soon my friends in loving committed relationships can legally recognize them!

As for my knee. It was pretty swollen today do I'm laying low this weekend. 

I'm half way there, like a horse the barn now.