Winter's Beauty

The beauty of a snow storm is when you don't have to be out in it. I managed to snow blow for the first time ever today - blew out my driveway and my two neighbors. (Neighbors snow blower). I was happy to give back to the people who have been helping me out since knee surgery in November. I burned 600+ calories shoveling and blowing...and my knee is only a tiny bit sore.

I do LOVE how the trees look after a storm like we had. I hope everyone got to where they needed to today safely. Hunkering down is good in this weather.

Food for Thought

Sometimes we receive gifts and messages when we least expect it.
I received this today, I hope you like it too.
KK


Today's thought from Hazelden is:

Aging is not easy, but what's our alternative?
- Helen Casey

The kind of attitude we developed over our lives determined how we saw every detail of each experience. Even now our attitude holds us hostage. The misunderstanding that many of us have is that we think we can't really change how we see our world. Nothing is further from the truth. We can make a large or small shift in our perceptions instantly. The outcome is that everything about our lives changes from that moment forward. Thus, how we perceive the aging process is controlled by our willingness to look at it again.

Helen has aged gracefully. At 86, she still finds time for making new friends, three bridge clubs a week, daily mass and frequent communication with her children and relatives. She carries a positive, hopeful attitude with her wherever she goes, which inspires others, young and old.

It wouldn't appear that aging has been hard on Helen. But the truth of the matter is that she has suffered many losses. What she has managed to hold onto, though, is her faith in God and her willingness to see every "glass as half full."

How lucky we are that we can "tinker" with our attitude for as long as we're alive, and if we aren't completely happy, we have work to do. As Helen says, there is no alternative to aging, except death. What happens now is up to us.

I am only as old as I decide to feel today.

Life is fucking hard.

I said the words "life is fucking hard" today to a friend going through some heavy stuff. It stemmed from my own feelings lately about life due to my circumstances, but also because I have a number of friends who are being hit with some really tough things in life. It is just how I felt and you know what? It really can be sometimes!

I was watching Downton Abbey This week and this line was said:
"Sometimes I think life is about a series of problems that come our way, and figuring out how to answer them"... "And then we die". I think that this is spot on. I think it's about how we handle life as it comes at us. I'm not going to say it will be easy. IT ISN'T! and I'm not going to say I'm great at this, in fact I've been very down and discouraged about life in general lately. (Laid off while being told I am great at my job, two people I know passing, the polar vortex, my weight, my friends painful circumstances...etc). I hope though, that we can figure out the answers and move through the crappy stuff with love.

I know the funk I am in will pass. I don't like this feeling and so I am working to move through it quickly, yet honor my feelings too. I have watched others fall apart and treat others like crap while dealing with hard things in life (I've been that punching bag for others before - it isn't fun), but I am choosing to try and go through this with love and kindness, not anger and hurt. I may not always be at my best, but I promise to try. I've started this by embracing the silver linings and the blessings that come my way every day, here are a few:

• Paying attention to the positive messages from strangers, they have been coming my way lately. 
• My neighbor child's hugs, kisses and laughter.
• My neighbors. The text insisting I spend Valentine's Day with them was awesome...plus so much more!
• My dog cuddling close. 
• The artwork by a kindred spirit that was sent to me today (picture below). 
• My friend through cancer fighting talking me into a trip to Miami to see him and escape the polar vortex. 
• My Delta miles to get me to Miami. 
• My girls...enough said.
• Having dinner at my childhood friends moms house with her kids. 
• My cousin-sister-friend moving back to MN and bringing her hubby and newborn son. 
• Having a lake home loaned to me to bring all my girlfriends together for laughter and fun. 
• My trainers belief in my ability - it is far beyond what I believe I can do. 
• Managing an hour on my bike trainer 3 months after my second knee surgery. 
• Reconnecting with really amazing women and men I have lost touch with. 
• Dancing all night to JT with my girls. 
• Watching my friends sons play hockey against each other.
• A healthy family.

When I write that list I think, "life is good KK, pull up your boot straps and go get em'!" 

KK

Lessons learned.

Been thinking a lot about 2013 and the challenges and heart ache it brought.  I entered the year so optimistic, and ended up having hopes, faith and dreams smashed. I'm not going to lie, it has been rough. 

A broken heart

A failed non profit

Two knee surgeries 

... that is a lot. 

Looking forward to a new year. A Healthy, happy and joyful new year. 

I have come to realize that I need to change up some things in my life. As the definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over and expecting different results. Right?

I hope the changes will be what I need to regain trust in others and faith in myself to do what is right for me. 

Happy New Year! 

Two weeks down.

Two weeks ago at this time I was in excruciating pain. Now I am in annoying pain, I can't drive, and it's an adventure to do things around the house. BUT I'm on the road to recovery!  

I managed a big presentation at work last week and was thankful the next part isn't due for a few weeks. 

Yes my knee hurts. 

But hey, I have awesome friends and family who help me out. 

Had an awesome birthday gathering, managed to navigate Target Center for John Mayer and Phillip Phillips and managed Turkey Day with my family just fine. 

Got a real workout in today and now resting and watching Homeland, Season 3. It's tough to watch after being in a relationship with a man who is bipolar and choose to come off meds and destroy our relationship. 

It's a sad illness for someone to have. It's one that people struggle with their whole life once diagnosed, and one people need a lot of support with. But when they are embarrassed and won't tell anyone they are bipolar - will they have no support, no one there to help them navigate things. So this show is tough to watch, especially when he told me he could relate to the main characters struggle. 

It's sad, but I still love this show and will always care about him. I can separate the man from the disease. Even if he can't. 

What a week. Surgery #2.

It's been a very bumpy past 7 days. A week ago today I found out they had a donor and I would have surgery Friday. I rallied my troops and prepared for the big surgery. This was the biggest surgery I have ever had. 

A nerve block? Umm Okay. I'm Not sure why but if you say so. 

So when it wears off I will be okay? Maybe need a few narcotics?

The scar will be how long? Can you make it pretty?

No brace needed? Awesome? 

8:30pm Friday night I awoke to major pain. 

Leg in a brace and feeling like a truck hit me. 

A few minutes later, my first experience with a bed pan. Which left me with wet underwear. Awesome. 

A few minutes later they tell me it's time to go home. 

My auntie manages to get me home. For a bit we stand outside as the keys seem lost. But hey I'm feeling no real pain, just tired. 

That night my friend Lisa takes over as caretaker. Getting me up at 12:30, 4:30 and 8:30 for narcotics. I tell her at 4:30 that it hurts a bit more so the nerve block must have wore off. 

The next morning I'm managing around the house in my crutches and Lisa says "I thought you would be out of it and need more help", to which I  reply "it isn't too bad". 

Speed up 3 hours. 

Now... THE NERVE BLOCK WEARS OFF! 

I start hugging the back of the couch and my leg is seizing up in pain. I've NEVER had pain like this. What do we do? The pills we have are doing nothing. 

Lisa calls the hotline. They say "Advil" or "bring her to the ER"... Neither seemed doable as i laid there trying to catch my breath. 

Finally she makes the call, we are going to the ER she calls Eddie for help. As I stand leaning on couch waiting, I start to black out and move myself to the kitchen sink where I throw up. This as Eddie walks in and I yell "don't come in here".... After all, a neighbor husband does not need to see that from anyone but his wife or child. 

We get to the ER and it's packed. I couldn't believe it 

Whilst in triage the nurse tells me I will need to go wait in the waiting room. I explain I will need to lay on the floor out there, as the wheel chair is horribly painful. 

What's the scale of pain? She asks. Me: 10+  And cringe. 

She disappears, coming back with her personal stuff and says she is changing work stations and she found an empty bed where she was going. She took me with her, had me in a gurney and with a doc with in 10 minutes. 

I can't remember her name, but I'm hoping it's on paperwork somewhere so I can thank her. 

After 5 bags of hyrdomorphine they have me a bag of Valium.... And oxygen. As apparently my oxygen levels dropped low and the cocktail I was on can be deadly.

WTF??

We finally were able to be discharged. There was talk of keeping me over night, but I fought them on that. Too scary. 

Lisa took me home. 

Tanya stood at Walgreens for 1.5 hrs waiting in new prescrips and eventually got to my house to take over nurse duties. I have very little memory of that night once the meds were put in me. But I'm sure of one thing, my friends are angels!!

May I never have to have this surgery again. 

But I also don't lose sight that someone died long before they should have for me to get this new knee. 

Are you a donor?

 

October, already?

Time has been flying. 

Someday so can hardly believe it is now Fall and here we are in October! Fall is my favorite time of year, I love the activities and the weather. I'm melencholy  over last years Fall time, but have plenty to look forward to this fall too. 

Cheers to new beginnings!

Only bad part of this Fall? My knee is a disaster. Even my Physical Therapist looked defeated. I head to an MRI and Surgeon appointment Monday. My PT is going to try and attend the appointment with me. I am not sure what will come out of that, but pretty sure surgery will be happening again. I'm frustrated, anxious and sad about that. I'm so over knee pain and swelling. I just want to feel normal and be active again. And I'm so mad I don't have my Vicodin anymore! :)

Ok. I'm done whining. 

Time to kick in my strength training again, I just need to be really careful. My PT has put major limits back on. 

So I'm focusing on the positive:

- the fall colors are starting!

- I am constantly reminded about how amazing my friends are. 

- I am making myself get out more. I've been staying home so much the past 6 months since surgery. Trying to break that habit. 

-my cousin is coming to stay with me a few days, which is always awesome. 

- I have awesome family :)

- my dog. Enough Said. 

Enjoy the journey!

Plot twists

A few weeks ago, my pseudo surgeon, Joe, informed me that the surgery may not have worked.
We will review again in two months.
My PT believes I'm better off than I think and hopes I will improve over the next two months.
This was not what I hoped to hear....at all.

This news came the day after another big change in my life and the plans I had for my future.

I continue to find that just when you think you've got life figured out, it throws a plot twist your way.

In both cases I entered the situation with much optimism and hope.
In both cases my faith and hope were tested.
In the first case, the actions spoke louder than the words... and a change in direction was needed.
In the case of my knee, the pain seems to be speaking louder than the recovery...and I'm guessing a decision will need to be made about a possible second surgery.

Both situations are disappointing and suck, but they are my story
I read this quote last week and its my new mantra:
When something goes wrong in your life, just yell "plot twist" and move on.

So... "PLOT TWIST!"

 I just wish I could read the last page of my book and know everything was going to be okay.

Biking, Buddy, Big Ole and a Brain Tumor

Spent Friday and Saturday in Alexandria hanging with Matt.  The place we stayed was right on the bike trail.

Friday we unpacked and headed to town on our bikes.

Only problem was starting up. I push down on my right foot and that hurt.  But the rest was great. I was so happy to be biking!! We headed to see Big Ole and to visit a local tavern. We peddled back just in time to miss the rain, well the heavy rain :) 

Saturday we biked again. It still felt good. But after no cardio or weight on it for 5 weeks my leg was tired. My knee throbbed Saturday at times as we discovered Alex. I used my crutches as much as possible, but it still hurt. Matt was good about helping me out as much as possible. He is good like that.

I, however, am bad at not walking on it :(

Sunday and Monday I rested my knee. But it is still in pain. I don't know if its normal or not. They did say I would have some pain. But like everything else they haven't been specific about anything. 

In the mean time Sunday I received an email from my friend Donna. Her eye issues turn out to be caused by a brain tumor. WHAT??? So she is headed into brain surgery on June 10th. Puts my stupid knee in perspective quickly!! Please send Donna some good energy to recover fully from her surgery. Silver lining is there is only 2% chance this is cancerous. Whew. But still a major operation. A bunch of us girls took Donna out for lunch Monday and to discuss and strategize this procedure and recovery. We are all blessed to have each other :)

A Brace and a Bike.

I am able to start walking ... with crutches!!

I was fitted for a brace that will support my leg as I walk. The best news is I can bike this weekend!! Matt and I are headed to Alexandria and we were hopeful I could do this. We can now bike around instead of driving :) 

My ortho is very happy with my progress and anticipates me having a good recovery. 

The light at the end if this tunnel is getting brighter!!