No children.

Read a blog that triggered this response from me. It's real. It's how I feel and I've never expressed it. But today I am. 

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I always thought I would have children. I don’t. 

I cry every time I watch someone give birth on a TV show or movie. Not tears of joy, but tears of loss. I get depressed on Mothers Day and the holidays, when I sit, like you, and watch moms with their children … and even worse when I attend a baby shower and all the moms talk about how amazing being a mom is… And I have nothing to contribute. Nothing.

I’ve been told that I have lot to be thankful for… that I have “so much” others don’t. But that doesn’t help with the emptiness, the pain, the grief. As it’s a loss of a hope, a dream and a belief I would be a mom.

I am grateful for my life, but seek to fill voids as I enter this new season (thanks heathers mom – I like that phrase).

Part of filling that void (for me) is to spend time with the children in my life via my friends and family, and be sure I am an awesome auntie.

I may end up with Children in my life in another way... But I may not. That ache will probably always be there. And if I had an answer to how to take it away I would tell you. I swear, I would.

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Life is short, don't wait for your dreams to come true. Make them come true. 

Authenticity.

I've spent a large portion of my life trying to make people happy. 

People who didn't accept me for me.

People who are self centered and only have time when they need something.

They judged me. They criticized me. They shamed me. 

I write those as past statements, because I made the choice to walk away from that negative energy and embrace the good parts of my life a while back.

I think having the year from hell changed me. It made my bullshit tolerance go to ZERO. In other words "don't make your problem my problem" and "be kind or leave". 

You see love is not a competition. 

But some people treat it like it is. 

How sad for them to think it is. 

I have been spending time with people who matter. 

Who let me be me. 

Who embrace my imperfections. 

People who say "it's part of your charm", rather than rolling their eyes or shaking their fingers at me while trying to shame me. 

Yesterday I was reunited with four amazing women I haven't spent time with in TOO long. 

They radiate love and goodness. 

They are on their own journeys and they appreciate the experience of it all.

They are KIND. 

They are beautiful inside and out. 

I am blessed. My heart if full. I'm off today to spend time with another amazing woman who has entered my life via work but we knew we were kindered spirits immediately. 

 

So instead of feeling sad about walking away from the toxic relationships that were once around me, I instead feel free and optimistic. Because how lucky am I? I have a lot of sisters from other mothers who love me authentically... and for that I am truly grateful. 

Truly. Truly. Grateful. 

Joy.

I'm laying in bed. It's early. There are no sounds except the furnace fan running and the occasional sigh/snore from my blonde furry friend next to me. 

I'm laying here thinking about the past two weeks and how so much has happened in my life. With all the ebbing and flowing of life, I've stayed happy. Steady. Even keel. 

I've thought about this, and I guess why I've stayed steady (which hasn't always been the case- especially the past year) is that I've stayed true to myself. Yes, it helped that I was validated on a few major things in life... but still 😊... I stayed true and believed in me. 

I have tried to look at the open doors and face fears and open up to new people and opportunities. I've had some really great connecting times with people lately. New friends, old friends, my parental units (all of them at the same dinner table was actually quite awesome), exes, and my cousins ..and those connections have been so genuine and full of love, it fills me with joy. 

I have a lot to digest from the past few weeks. A lot. I do believe that when I started looking at the open doors, instead of the closed ones, I found happiness again... Finally. (I'll admit, I was worried about finding it again -2013 sucked).  

I am grateful I found my joy again. When I look around me, I see a lot of pain and sorrow and anger in others journeys. In fact I saw a woman today driving down the road crying, I felt bad for her ...  we've all been there. So I sent her some good energy, I hope it helped her. 

Perhaps if we all start showing compassion vs judgment and shame, this world would be a bit happier and more joyful. At least that's my motto, even when someone pisses me off. 

Peace. Love. Joy. 

KK

I'm going to Miami.

http://youtu.be/IwBS6QGsH_4

In the words of Will Smith, I'm going to Miami!  I've never been, and I'm super excited!!

My buddy Shawn offered up his place to stay if I got myself on a plane... so after toooooo many days in the house and frozen in the polar vortex (#worstwinterever) - I booked a free ticket and today I leave!

I am blessed to know so many awesome people who are so generous. I'm also glad Shawn is a workout God so I can stay working towards my goals whilst in Miami. (And to think this started due to the cancersucks shirt!)

The beach is 6 blocks from his place and I plan to make it my home away from home the next four days while I defrost. 

Cheers to embracing opportunities that present themselves! Remember my earlier post about paying attention to the doors opening vs the ones closing? 

This is one of them! 😃

Fear.

Fear can be paralyzing. 

"They" say we should face it head on and move through it. I agree, but some days it's easier said than done. 

Change is scary and lord knows I've had a ton of change in the past year. I crave some stability and the answers to "who am I and how did I get here?"

I have been trying to pay attention to the  doors opening in my life vs the doors that have closed. It's scary. That new door brings a lot of what if's and unknowns. But isn't that the point in life? Aren't we suppose to step outside our comfort zone? 

So I am taking that step. I'm scared, but hey, life has shown me the past year that it's unpredictable and nothing goes as you think it will. So why not step out of that place we "know" and "get to know" the new space in front of me. 

Winter's Beauty

The beauty of a snow storm is when you don't have to be out in it. I managed to snow blow for the first time ever today - blew out my driveway and my two neighbors. (Neighbors snow blower). I was happy to give back to the people who have been helping me out since knee surgery in November. I burned 600+ calories shoveling and blowing...and my knee is only a tiny bit sore.

I do LOVE how the trees look after a storm like we had. I hope everyone got to where they needed to today safely. Hunkering down is good in this weather.

Food for Thought

Sometimes we receive gifts and messages when we least expect it.
I received this today, I hope you like it too.
KK


Today's thought from Hazelden is:

Aging is not easy, but what's our alternative?
- Helen Casey

The kind of attitude we developed over our lives determined how we saw every detail of each experience. Even now our attitude holds us hostage. The misunderstanding that many of us have is that we think we can't really change how we see our world. Nothing is further from the truth. We can make a large or small shift in our perceptions instantly. The outcome is that everything about our lives changes from that moment forward. Thus, how we perceive the aging process is controlled by our willingness to look at it again.

Helen has aged gracefully. At 86, she still finds time for making new friends, three bridge clubs a week, daily mass and frequent communication with her children and relatives. She carries a positive, hopeful attitude with her wherever she goes, which inspires others, young and old.

It wouldn't appear that aging has been hard on Helen. But the truth of the matter is that she has suffered many losses. What she has managed to hold onto, though, is her faith in God and her willingness to see every "glass as half full."

How lucky we are that we can "tinker" with our attitude for as long as we're alive, and if we aren't completely happy, we have work to do. As Helen says, there is no alternative to aging, except death. What happens now is up to us.

I am only as old as I decide to feel today.

Life is fucking hard.

I said the words "life is fucking hard" today to a friend going through some heavy stuff. It stemmed from my own feelings lately about life due to my circumstances, but also because I have a number of friends who are being hit with some really tough things in life. It is just how I felt and you know what? It really can be sometimes!

I was watching Downton Abbey This week and this line was said:
"Sometimes I think life is about a series of problems that come our way, and figuring out how to answer them"... "And then we die". I think that this is spot on. I think it's about how we handle life as it comes at us. I'm not going to say it will be easy. IT ISN'T! and I'm not going to say I'm great at this, in fact I've been very down and discouraged about life in general lately. (Laid off while being told I am great at my job, two people I know passing, the polar vortex, my weight, my friends painful circumstances...etc). I hope though, that we can figure out the answers and move through the crappy stuff with love.

I know the funk I am in will pass. I don't like this feeling and so I am working to move through it quickly, yet honor my feelings too. I have watched others fall apart and treat others like crap while dealing with hard things in life (I've been that punching bag for others before - it isn't fun), but I am choosing to try and go through this with love and kindness, not anger and hurt. I may not always be at my best, but I promise to try. I've started this by embracing the silver linings and the blessings that come my way every day, here are a few:

• Paying attention to the positive messages from strangers, they have been coming my way lately. 
• My neighbor child's hugs, kisses and laughter.
• My neighbors. The text insisting I spend Valentine's Day with them was awesome...plus so much more!
• My dog cuddling close. 
• The artwork by a kindred spirit that was sent to me today (picture below). 
• My friend through cancer fighting talking me into a trip to Miami to see him and escape the polar vortex. 
• My Delta miles to get me to Miami. 
• My girls...enough said.
• Having dinner at my childhood friends moms house with her kids. 
• My cousin-sister-friend moving back to MN and bringing her hubby and newborn son. 
• Having a lake home loaned to me to bring all my girlfriends together for laughter and fun. 
• My trainers belief in my ability - it is far beyond what I believe I can do. 
• Managing an hour on my bike trainer 3 months after my second knee surgery. 
• Reconnecting with really amazing women and men I have lost touch with. 
• Dancing all night to JT with my girls. 
• Watching my friends sons play hockey against each other.
• A healthy family.

When I write that list I think, "life is good KK, pull up your boot straps and go get em'!" 

KK

Lessons learned.

Been thinking a lot about 2013 and the challenges and heart ache it brought.  I entered the year so optimistic, and ended up having hopes, faith and dreams smashed. I'm not going to lie, it has been rough. 

A broken heart

A failed non profit

Two knee surgeries 

... that is a lot. 

Looking forward to a new year. A Healthy, happy and joyful new year. 

I have come to realize that I need to change up some things in my life. As the definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over and expecting different results. Right?

I hope the changes will be what I need to regain trust in others and faith in myself to do what is right for me. 

Happy New Year! 

Two weeks down.

Two weeks ago at this time I was in excruciating pain. Now I am in annoying pain, I can't drive, and it's an adventure to do things around the house. BUT I'm on the road to recovery!  

I managed a big presentation at work last week and was thankful the next part isn't due for a few weeks. 

Yes my knee hurts. 

But hey, I have awesome friends and family who help me out. 

Had an awesome birthday gathering, managed to navigate Target Center for John Mayer and Phillip Phillips and managed Turkey Day with my family just fine. 

Got a real workout in today and now resting and watching Homeland, Season 3. It's tough to watch after being in a relationship with a man who is bipolar and choose to come off meds and destroy our relationship. 

It's a sad illness for someone to have. It's one that people struggle with their whole life once diagnosed, and one people need a lot of support with. But when they are embarrassed and won't tell anyone they are bipolar - will they have no support, no one there to help them navigate things. So this show is tough to watch, especially when he told me he could relate to the main characters struggle. 

It's sad, but I still love this show and will always care about him. I can separate the man from the disease. Even if he can't.